Wow, it’s been too long since I posted, and I’m quite encouraged that those of you who read consistently have even noticed.  A lot has been going on and I can’t share everything just yet, but know that good things are around the bend, promise!  Interestingly enough, a lot has happened in terms of the conversations that I’ve been able to have with leaders, musicians, and husbands across the country.

One specific conversation struck a chord in me the other night.  In this post I hope to shed some light on an issue that I’ve found to be rampant in “Christian marriages.”  Rampant not just in marriages I see from a distance, but in my own.

For years I heard my wife tell me that she needed me to lead her.  I could lead groups of people in ministry, I led numerous musical groups, made big decisions for organizations, and the list goes on.  But for some reason, there was this void in my wife’s perception of our relationship that needed to be filled.  I hear this same feedback as I talk with husbands about the state of their marriage.  “My wife keeps telling me I don’t lead her.  But we read the bible together a couple times a week and we pray about big decisions, what more does she need me to do?”  When I heard this question come across the table just a few days ago, a light came on upstairs.

Within the very fabric of a woman is an innate desire to want to be cherished, led, loved, and protected.  I’m sure some of your wives could elaborate on the list a “little” more, but for the sake of argument, let’s stick with those.  These innate desires are God given and part of the beauty within God’s creation of man and woman.  With that understanding being clear in our minds, we need to look at this “void” of leadership in our marriages in a different way.  It’s not that leadership is missing, it’s rather the direction and quality of our leadership.  Think of it this way husbands, instead of your wife saying, “I need you to lead your family.”  Hear her say how it really is:

“Watch where you’re leading me, because I’m following.”

So maybe the issue in a lot of marriages, young and old, is that there are “leadership” habits and directions that we have to get out of our individual lives before we can ever be the spiritual leaders that God, and our wives want us to be.

Here are a few things you may need to change in you as you realize that your wife isn’t too far behind in your footsteps:

* Stop Acting Like A Boy - For some, this might mean different things.  But taking a good hard look at the popular comedy movies out in the past few years, there’s an epidemic of men who get married on a whim and still want to have life the way it was with their boys!  Sell the xbox, stick to a bed time, care about your wife’s needs over your own, build something with your hands; do whatever it takes to be the married man that you are and not the little boy you were.

* Be Consistent - I can’t begin to tell you how bad I’ve been at this in the past.  I’d start something, and then lose the habit a few weeks down the road.  There are different seasons in everyone’s life, but unfortunately a lot of us men have a hard time finishing what we start.  This is a very contagious trait that will make it’s way into the lives of everyone in your house.

* Quit Trying To Be Mr. Independent - Your wife desires to be apart of your every move and decision.  It’s the blessing of being a husband, that our wives adore us that much to take an interest in our stupid hobbies and meaningless sporting events.  Count your blessings and do things together.  It’s the only way to keep your house from turning into a hotel rather than a home.

* Live By Faith, Not By Sight – This is a big one for most of us guys.  The idea that “we” have to do the providing and that everything rises and falls on us is definitely very alpha male of us.  It’s also rather destructive.  To think that the quality and success of your marriage depends on what you alone can do is foolish.  But we operate that way, we work harder and longer hours to prove our worth, and in turn, we forget the very reasons that God put us together.  It’s believing that God is in control, not you.  The quicker you get this in life, the fewer people you’ll take down that dark path with you.

What other errors in your character have kept you from being the right kind of leader in your marriage?  I’d love to read your feedback and experiences in the comments section below.