Relationships

Wow, it’s been too long since I posted, and I’m quite encouraged that those of you who read consistently have even noticed.  A lot has been going on and I can’t share everything just yet, but know that good things are around the bend, promise!  Interestingly enough, a lot has happened in terms of the conversations that I’ve been able to have with leaders, musicians, and husbands across the country.

One specific conversation struck a chord in me the other night.  In this post I hope to shed some light on an issue that I’ve found to be rampant in “Christian marriages.”  Rampant not just in marriages I see from a distance, but in my own.

For years I heard my wife tell me that she needed me to lead her.  I could lead groups of people in ministry, I led numerous musical groups, made big decisions for organizations, and the list goes on.  But for some reason, there was this void in my wife’s perception of our relationship that needed to be filled.  I hear this same feedback as I talk with husbands about the state of their marriage.  “My wife keeps telling me I don’t lead her.  But we read the bible together a couple times a week and we pray about big decisions, what more does she need me to do?”  When I heard this question come across the table just a few days ago, a light came on upstairs.

Within the very fabric of a woman is an innate desire to want to be cherished, led, loved, and protected.  I’m sure some of your wives could elaborate on the list a “little” more, but for the sake of argument, let’s stick with those.  These innate desires are God given and part of the beauty within God’s creation of man and woman.  With that understanding being clear in our minds, we need to look at this “void” of leadership in our marriages in a different way.  It’s not that leadership is missing, it’s rather the direction and quality of our leadership.  Think of it this way husbands, instead of your wife saying, “I need you to lead your family.”  Hear her say how it really is:

“Watch where you’re leading me, because I’m following.”

So maybe the issue in a lot of marriages, young and old, is that there are “leadership” habits and directions that we have to get out of our individual lives before we can ever be the spiritual leaders that God, and our wives want us to be.

Here are a few things you may need to change in you as you realize that your wife isn’t too far behind in your footsteps:

* Stop Acting Like A Boy - For some, this might mean different things.  But taking a good hard look at the popular comedy movies out in the past few years, there’s an epidemic of men who get married on a whim and still want to have life the way it was with their boys!  Sell the xbox, stick to a bed time, care about your wife’s needs over your own, build something with your hands; do whatever it takes to be the married man that you are and not the little boy you were.

* Be Consistent - I can’t begin to tell you how bad I’ve been at this in the past.  I’d start something, and then lose the habit a few weeks down the road.  There are different seasons in everyone’s life, but unfortunately a lot of us men have a hard time finishing what we start.  This is a very contagious trait that will make it’s way into the lives of everyone in your house.

* Quit Trying To Be Mr. Independent - Your wife desires to be apart of your every move and decision.  It’s the blessing of being a husband, that our wives adore us that much to take an interest in our stupid hobbies and meaningless sporting events.  Count your blessings and do things together.  It’s the only way to keep your house from turning into a hotel rather than a home.

* Live By Faith, Not By Sight – This is a big one for most of us guys.  The idea that “we” have to do the providing and that everything rises and falls on us is definitely very alpha male of us.  It’s also rather destructive.  To think that the quality and success of your marriage depends on what you alone can do is foolish.  But we operate that way, we work harder and longer hours to prove our worth, and in turn, we forget the very reasons that God put us together.  It’s believing that God is in control, not you.  The quicker you get this in life, the fewer people you’ll take down that dark path with you.

What other errors in your character have kept you from being the right kind of leader in your marriage?  I’d love to read your feedback and experiences in the comments section below.

Let’s be honest, all of our marriages have issues, and those of you reading who aren’t married, it’ll be true when/if you do get married.  Whether we want to face it or not, there are things that we all need to attend to in the relationship.  Our tendency is to “wait till the other person realizes their error” to fix the relationship, aka the path to failure.

So it’s time for all of us, husbands and wives, to take the initiative and do something to help our marriages.  Here are some practical ways to be the change you want to see in your marriage:

* Plan a surprise getaway - It doesn’t have to be extravagant, just an overnight stay somewhere nearby.  Just the two of you.

* Stop a bad habit - We all have a habit that gets under our spouse’s skin, so make an effort to stop.  Put your socks in the hamper, put the toilet seat down, be on time, stop chewing so loud; whatever it is, change it because you really do care.

* Read the bible and pray together – Wives, you’re wanting your husband to lead?  Husbands, you don’t know where to start?  Turn the TV off and ask to read a passage of scripture, talk about the passage, and pray together for a few minutes.  It might seem forced at first, but your obedience to do something about it may be the humility your spouse needs.

* Write a letter – Writing our feelings to one another has become a lost art.  Fill a page with what your spouse means to you and leave it somewhere special for him/her.

* Tell your spouse something you’ve been hiding – Whether the secret is big or small, or something that frustrates you about the other person, getting it off your chest, in humility, is the beginning of conversation and change for your relationship.

* Get biblical counseling – This isn’t for couples just in the “danger zone” of their marriage.  It is so healthy to communicate with a biblically trained counselor on a regular basis.  Get ready for honest healing and change in your marriage.

* Focus - When your spouse is telling you about their day, or a problem they’re facing, shut the laptop, put down the iPhone, turn off the TV and make eye contact as you listen.

* Give up your phone/laptop - Trust takes time and breeds a healthy marriage. Take a random day and let your spouse go through your phone and/or laptop.  Technology has become a secret world of sin for some many that needs to be left wide open in every marriage.

* Take care of yourself - When you’re dating, you put your best foot forward.  Then we get married and “let it go.”  Hit the gym, take a shower, smell good, dress up, look your best oustide and in the house, and eat right.  Love isn’t hinged on appearance, but it means the world to your spouse when you’re being the best you can for him/her and nobody else in the world.

* Stop yelling - Whether you’re yelling across the house to ask your spouse for something or reacting quickly to whatever he/she said, watch your tone.  Nothing can help deflate a possible argument more than a “defenseless” tone.

* Take up a hobby – Does your spouse have a hobby that you’ve been hands off with?  Take the initiative and get involved.  Do your research and allow it to be another connecting point for the two of you.

* PDA - Kiss, hug, hold hands, be close to each other in public.  I understand, don’t be “that” couple, but those “non-sexual” signs of affection let your spouse know “I’m here with you and I love you.”

* Flirt – Go out of your way everyday to show your spouse that they’re desired.  Send a sweet/flirty text or email, laugh together, watch him/her from across the room.  The things you do when you’re first in love are still alive in your relationship years later, you just have to fight for it!

* Go out of your way – Every spouse has something they want or need throughout the day.  For example my wife drinks water constantly.  So I make sure she has a bottle of water on her nightstand before we go to bed or in her purse before we leave the house.  It’s going out of your way that shows service.

* Stop the jabs - Those sarcastic/joking jabs at your spouse in public show everything but respect for the person that you’ve vowed forever to.  Only build up your spouse and keep the conversation about things that need fixing for the privacy of your own home.

* House project – Start and finish a project around the house that you know your spouse has wanted to do for awhile.

* Write things down and act on it – Your spouse says a million things a day that are “hints.”  Things he/she likes, wants changed, or wished they could have.  Keep a notebook or place in your iPhone to write them down.  And throughout the week, randomly do things to help those “hints” come to life for your husband/wife, ultimately, showing your spouse that you’re listening and you care.

* Buy something - It doesn’t have to be a car.  Something small, thoughtful, and random that shows you thought of them that day.

* Sex – I don’t really need to expound on this, but it should be about service, romance, intimacy, communication . . . and very often.  In the words of Forrest Gump, “that’s all I have to say about that.”

* Share - Communicate about what God is teaching you, or your struggles during the day.  Even if your spouse seems to “never listen,” you have to be the voice of consistency.

* Smile - We all need to smile more.  I mean, how can we not?  We’re married to the love of our life and alive!

* Ask for forgiveness - We all fall short, but we suck even more at repentance.  Whether it’s pride, or well. . . pride, we seem to pass right through with, “I’m sorry.”  If you’ve wronged your spouse in a certain way, ask for forgiveness. For example, say you show up late for a scheduled dinner at home because you put in an extra hour at work to get a project done.  Ask your spouse, “Will you forgive me for lying to you and not caring about my promise to you?”  It’s important to state the sin in our mistakes with our spouse, it all comes back to us.

The title sounds easy and promising doesn’t it?  Thanks, I wrote it to “sound” that way (insert sarcasm at your discretion).

But it isn’t easy, because the one thing standing in your way can’t be escaped, silenced, or destroyed (this side of heaven at least).

So what’s the 1 simple step?  Here it is, you ready?

* Stop Being Selfish – Ah, there, I said it.  But the solution isn’t just acknowledging the fact that you are selfish, it’s stopping.  You’ve got to believe that you are, by nature, continually looking out for number one.

It’s why you do everything short of throwing a temper tantrum on the Apple Store floor when your wife speaks a word of wisdom as to why you should think twice about buying the new iPad.  It is the reason behind your constant desire for him to “pay attention to you,” or your frustration with how things are or aren’t going in the bedroom.  At the very core of our problems sexually, conversationally, financially, and beyond is our desire to get what we want in the relationship.

Are our desires innately bad?  Absolutely not.  But how quickly do our “right” desires become demands that we will either sin to have met, or sin if they aren’t.

I can only speak from experience on the issue, being that I’m pretty good at the whole selfish thing.  From the onset of Mary and I’s marriage, I was met with the ability to have musical success.  Again, a desire not wrong.  But when that motive became about receiving attention because of that success, it turned into a relational grenade of selfishness, just waiting to blow up.  Before I knew it, my habits on and off the road weren’t being sacrificial in my attention to Mary, but rather, sacrificial only to my attention to success.  Do you see how it works?  Something so right, Christian Music, turns into “Me Music.”

Peel away the layers of every facet of your relationship.  Communication, encouragement, sex, finances, work, chores, serving each other, and anything else you can think of.  And when you find desires that have become demands, insert Christ.  Insert Christ?  For husbands, “love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her,” (Ephesians 5:25) and wives, “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” (Ephesians 5:24)

We can’t do marriage right without inserting Christ into every facet of our relationship as husband and wife.  It’s impossible. He is the only one worth receiving glory and pleasure for Himself, because He is God.  Yet Christ gave of Himself and accepts the submission of a people who were once enemies of God.  The story of grace and selflessness is the canvas on which this picture called marriage is displayed.

I wish I had something more profound to speak into the issue.  But I know myself and I am selfish down to the core. I’m sick of having myself get in the way of what my marriage can be, for the glory of God.

Who’s with me?

It’s astonishing how long you can go about your “business” before you gain perspective on what really matters.  For so many years of my life, practically my entire marriage to be exact, I confused my calling in life with running around like a chicken with my head cut off.  Pursuing this dream, while forsaking another; building an image of myself to gain certain status; and the list goes on.  I’d trade my lack of commitment for the title of a “go-getter” any day of the week.

“But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” –C.S. Lewis

I’ll never forget the day I woke up to the truth that what I was after was pushing me in a direction farther from God and my wife.  My pleasure had drowned out the call to love God and my wife, and God was ready to turn up the volume amidst pain.  For so many leaders, the tendency can be to think “tomorrow.”  Tomorrow I will show her I care, tomorrow I will seek His wisdom, if I can just get this done today we’ll be taken care of for life, and on and on.  In my transparency I hope to unpack what I’ve learned in the hardest months of my life in order to keep God from pulling out the megaphone on you.

* Trust God, Don’t Please Him

At first read, this could seem heretical, but stay with me.  If you’d look at your own life, how often has your relationship with God and other believers been about having “it all together?”  It’s almost cliche at this point to say that we walk around with masks on, but it’s true.  It’s the natural by product of a life taught to “do.”  Do this and don’t do that, this is what pleases God.  Go to church, serve in 50 ministries, wear the smile, and don’t talk about your sin or anyone else’s.  This “please God” mentality breeds a life that’s scared to deal with our own sin because of the judgment that ensues.  But how refreshing to know that all this time God’s call to please Him is a direct byproduct of trusting Him.  To trust Him is to say, the same grace that saved me, is the same grace that keeps me.  It’s believing that “God is who He says He is, and that He’ll do what He says He’ll do.”  And as I was honest with myself I realized that I had built up a life of working to please God because I really believed that I had it taken care of.  A book that really opened up my eyes to this way of thinking is “True Faced.” I encourage you to explore it and apply the biblical foundations of trusting God.

* My Wife Wants To Be Led

Every new husband is slapped in the face with this phrase from their wife, “I just want you to spiritually lead me.”  And every husband follows with the thought, “what the heck does that mean?”  Unfortunately we can lead congregations, bands, teenagers, and the list goes on, but the woman who sleeps next to us and has been given to us, by God, feels like we aren’t pointing her to Godliness.  I’ll be honest,I heard this from my wife again and again early on in our marriage, and I took the proud route.  Instead of asking for Godly wisdom from other men on how to lead my wife, I ignored it.  Before too long, you’ll have a wife who will wrestle with respecting you.  Men, if we continue to think that our wives want financial portfolios and successful titles to feel loved, we’re fooling ourselves.  Nothing ignites the humility and passion in a women more than to know that she is being led, by her husband, to drink from the cup of a God who loves her and will never fail.  Pray with your wife, study His word together, talk about your sin and repent together.  Be the one who sets the pace spiritually.  For an honest approach, check out “Lead Me” by Sanctus Real.

* My iPhone is the Devil

Okay, not really.  The honest truth about touring full time is that there are a lot of days where you’re doing absolutely nothing.  Crew is loading in gear, you’re waiting to get picked up from the hotel to head to sound check, laying in your bunk deciding whether to go back to sleep or get up, and the list goes on.  This was my life for two years.  And unfortunately I didn’t realize how much time I spent on my iPhone until I stopped touring and was around my wife all the time.  Now you might not tour as a musician, but you know where I’m coming from.  “Just one more email, let me refresh my twitter feed one more time.”  And if we’d be honest, technology has killed our relationships.  I forgot how to have a “real” conversation, and instead I had “text-ersations.”

So I’ve made it a point to be on my phone less and started taking inventory of my iPhone time.  Before long, you’ll realize that with less time on your phone, you’ll actually get more done, and have time for the real moments that matter. The moments that build relationships, not followers.

* For God and My Wife

There may be men/women, who aren’t married reading this, so if that’s you, just subtract the wife part.  Through scripture and wise counsel I’ve realized my fascination with building my own kingdom.  It comes from the selfishness that we all carry inside of us.  For years I don’t think I recognized this idol in my life until I looked at all the things around me.  I had a successful and growing music career, but a declining relationship with God.  A growing amount of people were listening, but my wife watched me decline in my ability to listen to her.  God paints His relationship with us as a husbands relationship with His wife.  A sacrificing of yourself for Her, like Christ gave of Himself for the church. (Ephesians 5:25)  And then it hit me, if it keeps me from growing in my relationship with my Creator and my wife (spouse), it’s not worth my time.  Challenging words at first, but ones that will free you to take hold of the things that matter in life.

My prayer is that we’d be Christ followers before we are leaders, husbands/wives before we are leaders.  The tendency is to look at ourselves and what our hands can do, but I write you to tell you “all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.” (Ecclesiastes 1:12)